Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
