put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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