They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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