sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
