I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
