The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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