how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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