went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
You are the jesus of drinking
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
