She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
