my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Randomize
