OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
