I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
