Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
