your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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