Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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