I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
