we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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