I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
