My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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