her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
