I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Randomize
