We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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