Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
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