chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
