I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
