I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
how does that bad decision feel?
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
