I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
