Ketchup is God's man juice
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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