I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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