last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
