I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
