i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
