I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
