yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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