My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
You were trust falling into bushes
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
