i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
