i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
