woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
