This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
