hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
