genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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