remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
