in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
