I showed him my bush... on skype.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
