I will die if light touches me.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
