True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
