New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
false alarm, still single
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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