i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
