I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
