Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
