a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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